


giving

by orphan_account



Series: ryan smokes weed but matt hasnt and it's dumb [3]
Category: supermega
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Blow Jobs, Light Angst, M/M, gosh this is bad, is that how you spell it idk i feel lost rn, matt is a sad boy, what else happened uhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-23 20:16:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19158220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He felt anger, frustration, all at himself. His chest was heaving, his teeth starting to hurt. Taking in a breath, Matt squeezed his eyes, scratching faster. Matt let out a loud cry, borderline screaming as he tried to let everything out. Ross shushed him, rubbing his shoulders, slowly bringing him into a hug. Matt was sick of it; he was constantly crying and needing to be comforted by his best friend. He was so tired of it. He felt like a baby, which caused him to choke on his tears. He felt so useless, like he was a child. He violently coughed, his built up anger quickly releasing.





	giving

**Author's Note:**

> i liked when matt and ryan texted for a looooooooooooong looooooong time

Itching his arm, Matt repeatedly looked towards his phone, barely paying attention to the words leaving Ross’s mouth. Periodically nodding, Matt tried to look him in the eyes, his heart beating faster. It was becoming harder to breathe, his anxiety building. He closed his eyes, taking a big breath before slowly letting it out. Ross’s voice was growing louder in his head.

“Are you alright?”, Ross asked, his hand hesitantly placing itself on Matt’s shoulder. Matt didn’t open his eyes, kicking himself for worrying him, struggling to get oxygen in his lungs. He sucked in more air. “Matt,” Ross tried again, this time getting a slight response. Matt squinted at him, harshly exhaling, trying to find the words to explain how he was feeling.

“I think I like Ryan a bit too much,” murmuring, Matt watched Ross’s face, his breathing stopping once again. Ross’s face was unreadable, causing Matt to panic, looking down, feeling sick to his stomach. He bit his lip harshly, shaking his foot, trying to calm his thoughts, swallowing hard. He didn’t understand why he is constantly having his mental state deteriorate so quickly, so often. 

Picking at the skin of his fingers, Matt tried to focus on the feeling, ignoring Ross trying to get his attention. He felt his shoulder being shaken, immediately shifting his attention back on his fingers, scraping at them. Ross softly placed a hand over his, crouching down to look Matt in the eyes. Matt blinked, finally noticing that he has been silently crying, grinding his teeth.

He felt anger, frustration, all at himself. His chest was heaving, his teeth starting to hurt. Taking in a breath, Matt squeezed his eyes, scratching faster. Matt let out a loud cry, borderline screaming as he tried to let everything out. Ross shushed him, rubbing his shoulders, slowly bringing him into a hug. Matt was sick of it; he was constantly crying and needing to be comforted by his best friend. He was so tired of it. He felt like a baby, which caused him to choke on his tears. He felt so useless, like he was a child. He violently coughed, his built up anger quickly releasing.

He shook his head, his body reacting on its own, his mind too irritated to take control. He wiggled, trying to kick his legs; he felt so horrible, sobbing, wanting to be something he isn’t. Matt wanted to be strong, strong enough to deal with his emotions without crying. He didn’t want to cry his eyes out every time he got the slightest bit overwhelmed. 

Matt let out another yell.

“Hey, hey. It’s alright if you like Ryan, ok?”, speaking softly, Ross held Matt closer, calming his legs.

“It’s not,” Matt choked on his words. “Fucking fair,” he continued, trying his hardest to explain himself. His body was getting tired, his breathing going out of control. He couldn’t feel his lungs getting air, panic settling in his brain.

“You’re right, it isn’t fair. But you gotta be strong; I believe you’re strong enough for this,” Ross spoke, his voice faltering as Matt cried harder.

“No, please,” Matt tried to talk, desperately, but he struggled to form sentences. Ross shushed him, telling him to try to calm down first, rubbing his shoulder. “Something, it’s all wrong,” Matt attempted, the hot tears feeling like they were burning him.

His chest was suffocating his heart. He gasped for air, squeezing his eyes shut again. Matt let out another yell, his brain screaming at him, tormenting him. Matt dug his nails into any nearby flesh, whether his or Ross’s, he didn’t care. He felt a surge of pain, sobbing harder. He couldn’t calm down. 

“Wrong,” he said, his voice raspy and barely audible. Ross tried to hold him closer, shushing him once more. Matt started to breathe quicker, losing energy to move. He rested his head on Ross, his breath feeling like it was trying to escape him. He squeezed his eyes even more until the colors he saw were consuming him entirely.

Sniffling, he felt his body fall limp into Ross’s. Matt coughed, opening his eyes a bit. As he swallowed his tears, he took in a deep breath, his nails right on top of the marks they made, stinging. “I’m useless,” Matt choked out, muffled by Ross’s shoulder. Hearing no response, Matt continued to cry, drowning in his feelings and thoughts.

\------

_Matt : ‘Hey’_

_Ryan : ‘its literally 3 am’_

_Matt : ‘But you’re up aren’t you?’_

_Ryan : ‘you got me there’_

_Ryan : ‘why are you up anyways’_

Matt stared at his phone, the bright light in his dark room hurting his eyes. He felt desperate, like he needed to be around Ryan in any way he could. Matt curled up into a small ball, taking in a deep breath before typing.

_Matt : ‘Can’t sleep’_

_Ryan : ‘so why are you texting me’_

_Ryan : ‘im flattered but a bit confused’_

Biting his cheek, Matt gulped, wanting to just say it. To just say his feelings in its entirety, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even fathom the extent of how far his feelings went, let alone how to express it. Curling his toes, his hand typed out something then immediately deleted it; he was too scared to see his reaction.

_Matt : ‘You’re nice to talk to’_

_Matt : ‘And I knew you’d be up so’_

Closing his eyes, he let his brain scream nasty things at him, his stomach twisting as he regretted his decision. Matt wanted, needed, to be closer to Ryan. He felt so stupid, so helpless. He didn’t want to ruin anything, but he was convinced he would eventually. Matt felt desperate to avoid that.

_Ryan : ‘what a charmer’_

Matt ground his teeth, wanting to break each and every one of them.

_Matt : ‘I’m sorry’_

_Matt : ‘I didn’t mean for it to sound that way’_

_Ryan : ‘hey’_

_Ryan : ‘its fine bub’_

Matt quietly yelped, smiling so wide, positive thoughts of Ryan swarming the negative. He ignored how quick he was to change moods, trying to stop himself from spamming letters, his body going warm and shaking. Matt crossed his ankles, his grin turning shy and hidden from his blanket. Bringing his hands out to text, he reread the text over and over.

_Matt : ‘I’m such a mess’_

_Ryan : ‘why’_

_Matt : ‘You just are so’_

_Matt : ‘Great’_

_Ryan : ‘like i said, such a charmer’_

_Ryan : ‘and i think youre so amazing’_

_Matt : ‘Please don’t get creeped out but’_

_Ryan : ‘oh no’_

_Matt : ‘I like crave you if that makes sense?’_

_Matt : ‘Oh god how do I unsend my existence’_

_Ryan : ‘if you crave me why dont you come over?’_

Matt stopped himself, checking the time, seeing 3:28am, sucking his teeth. He wanted to, he really did, but his fear of being alone in the streets at night was too terrifying. His smile slowly formed into a pout as he typed, wishing that he could teleport over there. He wanted to fall asleep in his arms, that is all he wished for.

_Matt : ‘Wish I could’_

_Ryan : ‘?’_

_Matt : ‘Too dark and scary’_

_Ryan : ‘i could come to you if you want’_

_Matt : ‘What about my roommate?_ ’

Looking at his screen, he watched for the text bubbles, only noticing the “seen at 3:34am”. Exhaling deeply, he placed his phone on his bed, cuddling closer to his blanket. Closing his eyes, he waited for a response. Matt thought about Ryan holding him, playing with his hair until he falls asleep. Matt could almost feel it.

As his phone buzzed, Matt’s heart raced, trying to open his eyes.

_Ryan : ‘do you have lessons tomorrow?’_

_Matt : ‘In the afternoon at 2’_

_Ryan : ‘why dont you come over and spend the morning with me?’_

_Matt : ‘That’s such a good idea holy’_

_Ryan : ‘thank you’_

_Ryan : ‘are you tired? if you want to go to bed its fine’_

_Ryan : ‘or if you want to keep texting thats also fine’_

_Matt : ‘I’m conflicted I want to do both’_

_Ryan : ‘why dont i call you? would that solve both’_

_Matt : ‘Yes please’_

Matt beamed at his phone, wiping his face with his hand, trying to get rid of his tiredness. He took in deep breaths, in and out, calming himself for a moment. His excitement was still growing, anticipation overwhelming him. Matt’s face started to hurt as his phone popped Ryan's contact on the screen, his smile larger than before. Inhaling, he pressed the button to answer.

“Hello?”, Ryan uttered. Matt could hear him smiling. 

“Hey,” scrunching his face up from smiling, he tried not to giggle, his stomach filling up with bubbles and butterflies. He covered his shoulders more with his blanket, placing his phoned closer to his ear. He sighed with happiness, hearing Ryan laugh lightly, the crinkling of the air filling the small silence.

“How are you feeling, bub?”, Ryan’s voice was soft, like he was reaching out the phone to hold Matt’s hand. His voice was low and quiet, concern littering it, making Matt feel mushy. Matt had never wanted someone to be with him this badly; he never really felt the need for a relationship until he graduated, but with Ryan, he felt so desperate. 

“I’m very tired,” Matt mumbled, closing his eyes, sinking further into his bed, “I also miss your touch.”

Ryan cooed at him, reassuring him that he’ll see him soon.Matt relished in the moment, bringing the covers closer. An idea popped in his head as Ryan talked to him about what they should do for the approaching morning. Matt sucked in his bottom lip, his body suddenly sparking, his mind flushed with ideas and phrases he couldn’t quite make out. 

“I, uh,” Matt started, his throat closing up with anxiety. He wanted to back out; he didn’t know what to do now. Matt thickly swallowed, feeling his fingers twitch. Wishing he could rewind, his breath left shakily. Ryan hummed, curiosity clearly emitting from him. “I really like you, like a lot,” rushing out the words, Matt covered his head with his blanket, his body shaking. 

Ryan stayed silent, causing Matt to reach for his phone, abruptly hanging up. Matt crossed his room to put his phone on the charger, hearing it vibrate once he placed it down. He squeezed his eyes shut, his hands trembling as he sniffled. He wanted to scream, apologize to Ryan a billion times, wind back everything. Matt roughly grabbed his hair, bringing his feet up onto the bed. He pressed his nose into his knees, the sharp pain in his body not even bothering him.

His phone continued to buzz.

Letting out a frustrated noise, Matt climbed back under the covers, surrounding his head with pillows. Tears falling down his cheeks, Matt struggled to stop moving, struggled to relax. Softly, he hummed, trying to block out the annoying noise. It made his stomach churn. That noise haunted him, like it was laughing at him, calling him a reject. 

Matt curled himself into a ball once more, wishing on every star that he could go back in time. He wanted to keep his mouth shut, he wanted to have a normal conversation, he wanted to fall asleep to Ryan talking in his ear. 

He let out a sob.

\------

Matt barely got any sleep, his heart heavy, his breathing slowed. He stared up at the ceiling, the sunlight hitting his chest. He blinked, his head spinning as he remembered what had happened. His vision shifted, feeling out of body as he thought about Ryan, what he thought, what he’s doing. Matt glanced at his phone, then to his alarm clock, sighing. Closing his eyes, he sunk into his bed, enjoying the peacefulness of his room. The warm heat on his chest gave him comfort, gave him a sense of calmness. 

Contemplating, Matt finally threw off his covers, sitting up. He looked at his feet, twisting his ankles, his body suddenly feeling weak. Noticing how hard he was biting down on his tongue, Matt mustered up the strength to stand, idling. He stared directly at his phone, his body tricking him to believe he was in a dream, straining to walk over to it. 

Looking down, his heart got caught in his throat as he unlocked it, seeing all the missed phone calls and unread messages. Matt read the first few, his body about to pass out, guilt and sorrow filling his veins. Taking in a deep breath, Matt leaned against his dresser, sinking down to the floor with his phone. He read through Ryan’s texts, listened to every voicemail, everything. He held it to his chest, pushing out air in his lungs, forgetting the process of breathing.

_Matt : ‘I’m coming over’_

Throwing his phone onto his bed, he grabbed whatever shirt and sweatpants he could find. Matt couldn’t focus on anything, his eyes were everywhere, his body jolting as he walked. Quickly dressing, Matt went to the kitchen, leaving a sticky note on the counter for Ross. As he walked to the bus station, Matt took in a large breath of air, desperate to breathe, his legs shaking violently.

Watching the trees from the bus, Matt felt his tongue dry up, his body shutting down. His head felt heavy, like his body could no longer support it. Matt closed his eyes, the feeling of his body burning engulfing him causing his to breathe faster. His eyes moved rapidly underneath his eyelids, wishing to calm down. As his stop approached, Matt didn’t make an effort to move.

Matt finally moved when his destination was called, his feet trudging against the floor. He gripped his phone tightly, his body practically dragging across the floor as he walked, his heart escaping his chest. Matt stood a bit away from the apartment building, gazing up at it. A loose smile formed on his face, his heartbeat loud in his eyes, deafening him. Matt started to shake, his lungs begging for more air as he walked faster. Rapidly blinking, Matt stopped by the gate, feeling his eyes tear up. Leaning against the cold metal, he tried to catch his breath, ignoring the stares he feels creeping up the back of his neck.

He gazed at the glowing buttons of the elevator, focused in his own head. Reaching the right floor, Ryan’s floor, Matt throat felt like it was being sliced. Quivering, he exited, moving aside for the other people attempting to enter. Matt stood still at the side, slowly blinking, his mind not caught up with his body. The thumping in his chest was unbearable; it made him feel like he was dreaming, the only thing he could feel was his heart. He forced himself to walk to Ryan’s door, not bothering to act normal around the business men and women heading out for work. 

Fidgeting with the strings on his sweatpants with one hand, knocking with the other, Matt took one final breath before Ryan opened the door. Matt swallowed, Ryan’s eyes devouring his very being in a tender way. Matt watched as his eyes wandered to Matt’s hands, slowly reaching out for him, his fingers gliding through the air. Stopping his air flow, Matt’s eyes flickered back at Ryan, giving him silent approval.

Ryan lightly brushed his fingers against Matt’s, delicately grabbing them, holding them with intent. Matt let go of his breath, his lungs unable to hold without his heart bursting. Bowing his head, Matt squeezed Ryan’s hands, leaning towards him without realizing. He stumbled, bumping into Ryan’s shoulder, feeling his heart travel up to his throat. Their hands were still together and Matt could swear Ryan could feel his heartbeat. 

“How you feeling?”, Ryan whispered, shivers running down Matt’s spine from the pain drenching his voice. Matt stuttered as Ryan drew him closer, angling his eyes to watch Ryan’s. “I didn’t mean to be silent, I was just shocked. I’m sorry. I really like you too,” Ryan’s eyes gazed into Matt’s, drifting to his lips, slowly moving back up. 

His tongue tied in knots, Matt blinked, like time was slowing down. Ryan smiled at him, dragging one hand up Matt’s arm, affecting the way Matt was breathing. His hand rested of Matt’s cheek, cupping his face, welcoming Matt to lean into the warmth. Matt let Ryan guide his head down, closing his eyes as he pecked his lips. Pressing their palms together, Matt relaxed his shoulders, letting Ryan kiss him harder. 

His brain was fizzy, like a shaken can of soda, about to explode. Ryan’s kiss was making Matt’s mind bubble over, his need to be with him growing. He left his mouth slightly open, breathing softly, feeling himself be lead inside. As the door closed behind him, something in Matt’s brain kicked into gear. He murmured curse words, gripping Ryan’s hand tighter, kissing him just as hard. Ryan laughed, rubbing his thumb over Matt’s cheek. Matt couldn’t think with everything happening, he couldn’t even breathe properly between kisses. Stopping for a second, Matt tried to gather all his thoughts, his heartbeat mixing with his lungs. Before he could, Ryan spoke with a nervous but strong voice.

“I want to show you how much I like you,” Ryan stared into Matt’s eyes. Matt knew he was waiting for him reaction. He leaned in and kissed him, confused on what he meant but willing to go along. Matt kissed up to Ryan’s ear, his body on fire, softly speaking into his ear.

“Then show me,” Matt immediately felt heat in his cheeks, anxiety but excitement battling in his brain. Ryan brought him back into a kiss before he could overthink, smiling as he rubbed his arm.

Leading them to the couch, Ryan continued to kiss Matt, running his hands up and down his sides. Matt’s mind was screaming at him, desperate to get more, his body merging with brain. He ran his hands through Ryan’s hair, gently tugging at the roots. Ryan groaned, biting Matt’s bottom lip lightly, letting it snap back into place. Sitting down, Matt tried not to fall over, feeling dizzy. He gripped onto Ryan’s arms, pressing his lips against his neck, breathing heavily. 

He wanted more, he craved Ryan, even though he had him in front of him, on him. He sucked on Ryan’s neck, desperate to hear him moan, scratching at his arms as he tried to pull him closer. Ryan grabbed a handful of Matt’s hair, carefully pulling him off. Matt stared at him with wide eyes, soaking in the view of Ryan’s hickey, his own lips wet and red. Ryan smiled, sliding off of the couch to the floor. Furrowing his eyebrows, Matt curiously gazing at him, blushing when he felt his legs being pushed open. 

“I know this looks like I only want you for your body. That’s not the case. I genuinely want to be with you, I just don’t know how to express it well. I just, I haven’t gotten a chance to fully make you feel good,” Ryan looked down, mindlessly playing with Matt’s strings. Without saying a word, Matt played with Ryan’s hair, pulling at it harder than before, causing Ryan to look up. 

“I want you to make me feel good. Fuck, Ryan. Seeing you sitting like this is driving me crazy,” near the end, Matt’s voice went higher, his dick twitching as Ryan flickered his eyelashes as he looked up. “Fuck, you’re so pretty, what the fuck,” Matt let out a laugh, properly gripping Ryan’s hair, opening his legs a bit further.

Matt threw his head back, covering his smile with his hand. Tilting his head back down, his heart stopped as Ryan pulled his sweatpants down, just low enough for his cock to pop up when Ryan was ready. Ryan grinned up at Matt, rubbing up and down his thigh, traveling upwards. Matt bit his lip, trying to take in everything at once. The way Ryan was sitting on his knees, his tender smile as his hair was disheveled, his eyes never leaving Matt’s. 

Ryan started to pull down his boxers, looking down for a second, both of his hands resting comfortably between Matt’s thighs. Matt chewed on his lip, convinced they started to bleed by how hard he was biting them. He watched as Ryan took him in his hands, lightly licking the tip, Matt’s entire body burning. Ryan shuffled, angling his head to lick up the side, taking the head into his mouth. Matt stopped breathing ass Ryan swirled his tongue, popping off to spit on his hand.

Gulping, Matt blinked as Ryan teasingly jerked him off slowly, his eyes focused on him and him only. Ryan wrapped his tongue around the tip once again, lowering his mouth as he moved his hands quicker. Matt could tell it was becoming harder for him to look in his eyes, a smile forming on his face. He lowered his hand to place on Ryan’s face, his other hand tugging at his hair. Ryan groaned again, sinking lower until Matt’s cock was against his throat. 

Ryan started to bob his head, taking small moments for more air, tears slowly appearing in his eyes as he went faster. Matt was trying his hardest not to shut his eyes, strained moans leaving his mouth, certain words aching to leave his tongue, anxiety stopping them from slipping. Ryan was setting Matt on fire with every touch, choking a bit as he forced himself all the way down to the base. Matt felt like he was suffocating, feeling his cock move in Ryan’s mouth, the words building as his hips jolted. Ryan gagged, his hands gripping onto Matt’s hips, urging him to do it again.

Fucking into his mouth, Matt felt himself getting close, his mouth cursing out any swears he could think of. “Fuck, Ryan. You’re so good at that,” Ryan hummed around him, struggling to look up. Matt closes his eyes for a moment, not giving himself enough time to debate what he was going to say next. “Such a good slut, just for me, yeah?” Matt’s cheeks were red as the words fumbled out, almost yelling as Ryan let made a deep moan. Ryan dug his nails deep into Matt’s skin, pulling off to let him cum.

Matt watched the roof, trying to come down from his high, faintly noticing Ryan getting up. He turned to look at him, a frown on his face as he watched him walk to the other side of the room. Ryan fished around a box, pulling out something. Ryan walked back over to him, a lighter in his hand. Matt smiled as Ryan sat down, placed his hand on his upper thigh, letting him get situated. Ryan handed Matt a tiny box of tissues, lighting his blunt, taking it in as Matt cleaned himself.

After a minute, Matt took a hit, passing it back over as he placed his hand in Ryan’s lap, a smile on his face as Ryan jumped the tiniest bit. Ryan blew smoke into Matt’s face, letting him reach under his boxers, mirroring Matt’s grin. Leaning in to kiss him, Matt started to jerk him off, allowing Ryan to puff air into his mouth as he left his mouth open. Their lips brushed, Ryan’s groans leaving his mouth as Matt whispered to him that was only between them; it was only for them, like they were the last two people on earth.

To them, they truly were.

**Author's Note:**

> so guys,, uhh i am gonna take my youtube channel seriously rn (im buyin a better mic rn and rearranging my set up) so this might be it for me writing fanfics ever?? i just dont like the fact when you google my username my ao3 and wattpad come up so. this might be an end to an era. i could change my username and see if that works but if not... i guess this is a goodbye? im sad man i wish i used a different username


End file.
